We don't know why our doors end up locked from the inside, but "Billy the Kid" is our resident noodle and able to get them open in a flash...
Notice that he is far too tall to logically be able to slide under there so easily.

Yesterday one of my associates, "Billy the Kid," a young man of 19, was manning the fitting rooms. We recently put keyed locks on all of the doors. A man approached with items to try on. My associate took the man to a room and opened the door. The man entered the room, turned back around and said, "Thanks. Wanna join me?"

Newsflash to all you nasty, creepy pedophilic homosexual men out there; the fitting room at Levi's is NOT the place to get a date!!!!

That About Sums it Up...

A few days ago I spent well over an hour helping a French couple pick out jeans, both for her and for him.

By the time they were done shopping, I was helping out at the register, so I got to ring them up as well. As I was scanning their purchases, the man said what I think may be the number one most universal truth in retail. (Remember, he's French.) He said:

"Man, 4 pantalon, 5 minutes. Woman, 1 pantalon, 2 hours!"

SO TRUE!!!!

All Me, Baby!

I like to bring my own personal passion into everything I do, so here's my homage to the Nuggets vs. Lakers NBA Western Conference Finals series.

It's really fun to do stuff like this in the women's department because no one ever notices!

Nuggets

Lakers

I think the Nuggets manequin is WAY cuter, but you know, I might be just a tad biased...

FLAVOR-FLAV!!!!

That's right...this is a genuine pic of Flavor-Flav and "Jedi," one of my associates. Gotta love D-list celebrity sightings!

REAL Pictures!

Here's a taste of what I really do for all (3) of my readers. These are pictures of my Mother's Day set at the front of the store.

PUBLIC NUDITY IS UNACCEPTABLE!

My roommate advised that I write this post in "fleshtones." I know this is kinda yellow, but it was the closest I could find to beige.

Tonight a man came in wearing a top that he had purchased earlier in our store. It was a man's tank top, and not the most masculine at that. It did NOT look good on him, but was better than the shirt he was wearing when he came in the first time (a smock-type top with a bright African-inspired print on it.)

Anyway, he comes up to me with three more of the "man-tanks" in his hand, two that still have sensors on them, and tells me that he just bought two of these shirts and would like to exchange them because his wife says they are too tight. I tell him I'll take care of it and ask where the other top is that he would like to exchange.

He proceeds to TAKE OFF THE SHIRT HE'S WEARING and hand it to me saying, "Right here."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! When did it become acceptable to take off your clothes at the register and ask to exchange them?!?!?!

Parle Vous Francais?

Today we had a French invasion! Everyone was French and no one spoke a word of English. Fun times for us!

So I was cashiering on one side of the counter and one of my associates was on the other side, so that we're back to back. His customer was one of very few English speakers. My customers, of course, were French. His customer overheard mine and said, in English, "Oh, they're French!" They heard him and started trying to speak French to him. He then told us that he's French Canadian. They kept speaking French to him. It was HILLARIOUS listening to him try to recall proper French to tell them that he doesn't speak proper French.

You probably had to be there, but it really was funny!

Maybe I Shouldn't Have Asked

I spotted a frazzled looking woman speed walking through the store, so I stopped and asked if she was doing alright. I wasn't really expecting her response.
She looked at me and simply said, "I feel fat today." Then she just kept walking. What do you say to that??

Another FYI: Inappropriate Attention Getters

For anyone out there who has ever needed the attention of a sales associate while shopping, here are some ways NOT to get it:

• Shouting "Hellooooo" in a rude disdainful tone
• Snapping fingers
• Clapping
• Yelling "Hey, you"
• Pssssssst
• Cukoo

Peg-leg Pete

It seems that we have a band of theives on our hands! Here's the profile information we have so far:

They each only have one foot and really like Levi's shoes!

That's it. That's the only explanation for finding something close to 25 mismatched shoes of varying sizes and colors. Where else could they possibly be going?

Maybe we could get a shoe endorsement from a one-legged pirate!

Lost in Translation?

This is a short one, but I think pretty hillarious...
We track the customer service in my store by having our cashiers ask each customer if anyone helped them on the salesfloor.
A couple of days ago, one of our cashiers was just doing her job, smiling and asking that very question of each customer. Everyone's favorite response came from a man whose English was clearly not too hot. When asked, "Did anyone help you today?" He replied; "No, I'm just a boy..."

The question that remains unanswered is what exactly did he think she was asking??

Take a Deep Breath

If there's one thing we in retail hate, it's the first thing in the morning return. Please take note; early morning returns get our stats for the day off to a bad start. We don't like it!

The other morning a woman came in to make just such a return. The only difference was that she was on the phone and sobbing uncontrollably. She just wanted to return a couple of pairs of jeans, which I promptly took care of for her. She assured me that the tears had nothing to do with the jeans.

Here's my thought; if there is something happening in your life that reduces you to a sobbing, sniffling mess, don't you think there's a better time to bring back the pants that just didn't fit right??

READ THE SIGN!!!!

In retail we have many instances where we wish people would just read the signs we post, but this one takes the cake.

A woman comes in tonight about 15 minutes before we close. I was counting down registers and she approaches the cashwrap and says, "Excuse me, I have a question..." I look up and ask, "What can I do to help?" She says, "You have some Levi's jackets that are $49 something..." I reply, "Yes, I know which ones you mean...what's your question?" adding silently to myself, of course we have Levi's jackets, this is a Levi's store... She then asks me, "Is that the set price for those jackets?"

In my head I reply, OF COURSE IT'S THE SET PRICE!!! DID YOU THINK YOU WERE AT THE SWAP MEET???? I'M NOT GONNA HAGGLE OR ANYTHING, LADY!!!! Out loud I just say, "Yes."

Here comes the kicker; she then proceeds to approach my associate who is working in the men's department, pointing out the very jackets she just asked me about. She asks him, and I quote, "Do you have any jackets just like these, but in another brand?"

REALLY?! REALLY!? THIS IS A LEVI'S STORE!!! DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'RE GOING TO CARRY ANOTHER BRAND OF DENIM JACKET??

You'll find that other brand of denim jacket in a very special section...it's called THE LAND OF YOUR IMAGINATION!!!!!!

Where did you think you were?!?!

A man made a purchase with a credit card the other day (he was foreign, of course) and when the box came up for him to sign with the total underneath, he actually asked, "Is this total in dollars?"

Of course my actual response was "Yes," but here are some examples of what I wanted to say:

• No, it's pesos, of course
• Actually, it's in Euros. My circa 1990 register automatically detects where you're from by bouncing a satellite feed off of an alien spaceship and adjusts the total accordingly.
• I'm sorry, sir, if you don't know where you are, I'd be happy to try to find you a map...THIS IS AMERICA! WE USE DOLLARS!!!!

Good thing I'm able to hold my tongue until I can come home and blog it out.

FYI: Fitting Room Dos & Don'ts

For anyone who has ever wondered what appropriate fitting room behavior is, here are a few general tips:

DO:

• Lock the door to your room
• Wear underwear
• Leave the door closed until you are completely dressed
• Keep items off of the floor

DON'T:

• Change in the middle of the store
• Leave your crusty underwear on the floor
• Pee on the floor
• Leave bodily fluids of any kind on clothes you don't intend to buy
• Open the door with NOTHING covering your behind

In case you were wondering, there is a specific story attatched to each of these items. I would be happy to supply details if you really want to hear them, but you probably couldn't stomach them!

This will be a running list, so check back often!

Money is Money...

I went to the other Vegas store today to help out for reasons that will go unmentioned as they don't really pertain to this story. I was the closing manager and things get pretty quiet at night over there. Late in the evening, who should come walking through the doors but 3 Hell's Angels...yeah, you read that right...

On top of that, two of them were from Luxembourg!!

I had never met a member of this motorcycle club in person, so I chatted with the one who was from right here in Vegas, since he was the only one who spoke English. I asked him some questions about the club and learned a lot! After we had talked for a couple of minutes, I commented on how much money his traveling friends were spending (about $400 each). He then proceeded to tell me that the reason they had so much money to spend was because they own the biggest brothel in Luxembourg!!!! Wow! I don't know if I'll ever talk about money and its origins with a customer again! TMI!

Psych!

Yesterday was average. I was the only manager in the building until almost 2 o'clock. This means lots of running around; stockroom, phone calls, office, change, customers, employees, listening to whining and complaining, moving product, etc. We got a little busy, so I put on one of my many, many hats; backup cashier.

So this lovely Irish couple with charming accents bring their selections to me and place them on the counter. They had quite the haul, so I scanned, de-sensored and bagged as quickly as I could.

When I had finished, the gentleman handed me his credit card. As is policy, I looked at the name and asked to see a photo ID. Imagine my amazement and confusion when the name on both documents read...

wait for it...

PATRICK DEMPSEY!!!!

Okay, okay...so it wasn't THE Patrick Dempsey, but it was A Patrick Dempsey. It made for great reactions all day long, getting to say, "Patrick Dempsey was in my store today!"

I did ask the gentleman if he got lots of comments about his name, especially while on vacation here in the States. He rolled his eyes and replied that he does, so I promised not to comment further...to his face, anyway...

Here's the story...

So my first post here in my blog is to explain its nature and purpose. I work as a retail manager in a mall with VERY high tourist traffic. As a result, I have a TON of amusing stories that revolve around misunderstandings and language barriers. I'm using this blog as a place to share these stories. Sometimes people are just not as bright as one might have hoped, and I'll post stories about that, too.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not, I repeat not, a racist! I do, however, strongly dislike people of any size, shape, color, creed or nationality who argue about topics they have absolutely no knowledge of and exhibit general stupidity.